Letting Go Of The Win Lose Lens When Divorcing

During divorce it is hard not to see every issue that arises as either I won (W) or lost (L). It can be as small as who gets the exercise bike in the basement or as large as the percentage of custody with the children. From the examples given one could hypothesize that emotion is a variable that can interfere with getting divorced amicably, or interfere with being able to co parent and raise healthy happy children.

If we label the moods we feel when we win as happy and sad when we lose it is understandable why divorce can feel like a roller coaster ride that has no end. Emotions in a divorce are important and need to be safely explored when making a decision. Is the bike important to me because I ride it every day for exercise or do I only want it because my partner likes to ride it every day? Is the custody schedule good for me or am I fighting for hours or days that will just inconvenience my partner? Am I being mindful of the consequences of the W or L? How will it affect me? How will it affect my partner? How will it affect my kids?

Imagine if both parties can find the compromise  (C) in every issue and eliminate the W/L emotion and push through any negotiation with greater clarity. Helping your client ask the question: If I get XY or Z did I win lose or compromise will ensure their ability to learn to problem solve and co parent when the ink is dry.

Shana Schwartz MSS LCSW