One Thing Children Need To Know When Their Parents Are Getting Divorced
What is one thing children need to know when their parents are getting divorced?
The obvious answer is that they are loved and this was not their fault. Clearly this is an important message but what I would like to focus on in this blog is the empowerment of children during a divorce. I spend many sessions counseling children either 6-16 years of age and find the need to focus on empowerment…their empowerment not their parents.
Parents, often during a divorce allow their emotions to be seen and heard in the presence of their children. They’re human and can’t help it. The hurt, anger, fear of moving forward and letting the children know the other parent wronged them is often not intentional but happens. Children are then forced to pick sides when they love each parent equally. Yes, most parents who are in the midst of a divorce convince themselves that one or more of their children love them or need them more.
Often times it is difficult to change that lens so going through the children can be very helpful. Guiding children to politely say to their parents "I am sorry you are feeling _____________ but I am a child and should not be involved in this conversation as I love both my parents" is a powerful statement they need to have in their tool box.
With that statement comes a clear age-appropriate list of topic they should know are the off-limits topic. These vary on the age of the children simple, but examples include money, sex, politics, addiction or mental health issues. Eventually children grow up and find out the truth about each of their parents (that’s another blog) but teaching them how to shelter themselves from issues that don't involve them at present is important for their ability to cope with the many changes that divorce will bring to their lives at whatever age they are.
So, if asked what is one thing children need to know during a divorce, my answer is the ability and permission to ask their parent or loved ones not to talk to them about adult topics.
by Shana Schwartz MSS LCSW
