Tips For Telling The Children You Are Getting Divorced

Every family system changes dramatically when a divorce occurs. Informing the children in the best way possible raises the unique question “how to do it?” There is no clear path to handle this sensitive information but planning it in advance with a thought-out plan can certainly help all involved.

Do it in private with both parents present

Pick a place that everyone will feel comfortable but allow for the privacy needed for such an important conversation.

Pick a date that is mindful to all parties involved. There is no good time to do such a task, but doing it where everyone can feel comfortable and uninhibited is important. Showing the children they can express real emotion will help gauge where they are when the news is official. 

Give the truth but in an age appropriate manner

Children are very intuitive creatures. They feel the energy of their parents and can tell when things are being hidden from them. Be mindful of their developmental age as well as their cognitive ability to understand the information being given to them.

Script what both parents will say and make sure both parents speak equally

Knowing what and how you are going to relay this information is essential for the conversation to go as smoothly as possible. Allowing both parties to speak equally without placing blame on the other is the first step in showing the children you will be working together even if in the future you won’t be living together.

Do not do it before bedtime or before a scheduled important activity

This information is obviously emotional and your children no matter what age will be processing the conversation after, so make sure they are not expecting to go to bed or to an important activity or engagement directly afterward.

Allow time for questions children may have

Make sure there is time left where both parents are still side by side and allow the children the opportunity to process the information so you can gauge how they are preserving and digesting what has been told to them. Don’t push them to be verbal -- just allow the opportunity.

Don’t ever remove belongings from the house while children are in the house 

Actions speak louder than words. Be mindful of every act in front of your children like removing belongings in front of the children or packing the other parent’s belongings while in view of the children.

Don’t assume how your children will react, odds are they will surprise you

We typically think we know our children well and can predict how they will react. It is important to be prepared for reactions you don’t expect. It’s a simple proactive approach to be prepared for whatever the reactions they have are.

Never hesitate to ask a professional to assist in formatting this conversation and transitioning for your unique family's needs.

Shana Schwartz MSS LCSW www.shanaschwartz.com